If you’re having trouble saying I love you, there are some workarounds. Because we haven’t listened to this advice This is like deciding not to dive because you have a morbid fear of water. Just as parents can’t name their child after someone they hated at school, nobody wants to be associated with a phrase that once brought them pain, fear, repulsion or some combination of the three. If people encounter such a person in a partner, sibling, parent or friend, it can make them allergic to those words. “Be very very afraid of that person,” says Tatkin. The person who says it when they can’t possibly mean it, right? Then there’s the one who turns around and behaves in a way that suggests the complete opposite. There’s always that one exception, the person who says I love you on the third date, or all the time, or to everyone. It’s who you are.” This one is like not being able to decide which is the best diving spot, so you never dive at all. “When you declare something about yourself to the other person, it makes real.
(Or if you do, you’ve misunderstood the terms of the deal.) “There is no decision without loss,” says psychologist Stan Tatkin, author of We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love. Saying I love you to one potential mate means you cannot say it to another. People don’t want to choose wrong, so they delay making any decision. What if you commit to Gregory Peck and then Cary Grant swipes right? (Look ’em up, younglings!) People who are seeking mates in the current era are presented with so many options, the FOMO can be chronic. There’s a theory of consumer behavior known as “choice overload,” which suggests that when people have too much choice, the mental effort required to select the exact right option is so great, that they shy away from it altogether. Because of 30-day returnsĪll right, maybe not exactly because of 30-day returns, but because of the indecision that makes that practice necessary - and also encourages it.
(An earlier study from the Max Planck institute also hinted at this.) For these folks, a declaration of love can seem more like diving off a high bridge, when you’re not sure what’s in the water below. A new, non-peer-reviewed but plausible study from suggests that about a third of people between 26 and 40 who are living with their parents are doing so because of love gone wrong. It’s committing to something that might not work out in the long run. Saying I love you to someone is throwing such caution to the winds. And to provide a bulwark against the ill effects of a breakup, they’re showing more interest in prenups, investing in education and working long hours to make sure they can be independent. Partly to inoculate themselves against a relationship going sour, couples are marrying later (28 for women and 30 for men in the U.S.), living together first and using algorithms to increase their chances of finding The Right One. “They don’t have a sense of the red flags they ought to be watching out for.” “People find it more difficult to recognize the signs of a healthy relationship,” says Victor Harris, associate professor of Family, Youth and Community Sciences at the University of Florida, because they haven’t seen so many around them. They don’t want to go through that trauma again, and they may be still dealing with its emotional aftermath. Some psychologists believe that this generation’s belief in that particular relationship has been rocked because their parents were among the generation with the highest rate of divorce, which peaked in the mid-’80s in the U.S. You can say I love you at any age to any friend/parent/child/pet, but the classic ILY is to a lover. Maybe it leads to glory, maybe you belly-flop. For some folks, it feels like diving off the high board, naked, in front of the entire school (or office). They’ve made a declaration as to what camp they’re in, whether their love interest feels the same way or not. Once someone has said I love you, they can’t unsay it.
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